obituaries

James R. Graber, 46. James R. “Jim” Graber, of Melville, died suddenly this past Friday night. Jim was enjoying a meal with his wife and two children at the Nagaski Japanese Steakhouse on Route 17, when a searing hot rope of pain shot out from his chest and into his left arm and jaw. Jim’s face turned white and his eyes twitched, and then he slumped forward into his hibachi shrimp appetizer. He tried to lift his face but could not. Over a blurry mound of fried rice, he saw a middle-aged man with a crew cut (who had not yet noticed what happened to Jim) shake his head and say “Screw it, Gail, I’m using a fork.” Jim’s brain began to release a flood of opiates. His neural pathways began to fire randomly, causing a bizarre parade of memories to pass through his mind. Jim began to feel a lightness, and it seemed as if the pain had oozed out of him and into the table, as if it were happening now to the table and Jim felt the hum of it only because he was laying on it. His wife’s face came into view, blocking out the man with the crew cut. She screamed out words that Jim could not understand. Then she saw something change in his eyes, and so she leaned in close to his face and gently removed a piece of zucchini from his forehead.

Edna Mae (Hamilton) Burtis, 86. Edna Mae Burtis, nee Hamilton, died slowly Wednesday morning at Flagler Hospital in Delray Beach. Edna was old. Her husband and all of her good friends had died years ago and her sons lived far away and she was lonely. So, although she feared death very much, she was tired of what life had become and had no taste for what it would be. Edna tripped on a garden hose and shattered her hip. A passing motorist saw her lying in the yard and called an ambulance. After a day in the hospital, Edna developed pneumonia. The doctors gave her drugs to keep her calm and did not protest when Edna shook her head at the jello and oatmeal. Three days later, her lungs we full of fluid. Her sons Robert and Lyle arrived. Robert brought his wife and two kids. He chewed on his lip and stuck a straw in Edna’s mouth every five minutes and forced her to take a sip of water. His kids were scared shitless and avoided eye contact with their grandmother. Lyle brought no one with him. He was divorced, and his ex-wife had the kids the week that this happened, and his ex-wife said the kids were too young to understand or remember and she probably couldn’t get a bereavement rate from the airlines. Lyle got in an argument with Robert about sticking the straw in Edna’s mouth. Edna whispered, “Boys,” and they shut up and Robert began crying immediately. Lyle started saying “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry” until Edna touched him on his neck and he started crying too. The fluid started to get bad. Edna said to herself, just stop breathing. But she found that impossible to do. Then her brain released a flood of opiates, and a she suddenly remembered running her hand across the crushed velvet seats of a carriage on a horsey ride that her mommy had taken her on in New York when she was five and the horsey’s back side was so wide and smelled like mud and it rippled every time the horsey took a step and her mommy tucked a stray lock of hair into her scarf.

Dennis Culbertson, 17. Dennis Culbertson, of Pickney, died Saturday in a car accident on Clemens Dairy Road. Dennis had just purchased a Beefy 5-Layer Burrito™ from the Taco Bell in Danville. He had the burrito spread open on the passenger seat and was attempting to open a packet of hot sauce, when the packet slipped out of his fingers and fell onto the floorboard and under the passenger’s seat. Dennis leaned over and fumbled for the packet. He glanced over the top of the dashboard every few seconds for oncoming traffic and cursed. He could barely graze the edge of the packet with his middle finger. Then Dennis got an idea. He glanced in his rear view mirror, and then tapped the brakes hard. The hot sauce packet slid forward into the middle of the floorboard. Dennis grinned and said out loud, “That’s what I’m talking about.” He then leaned over to retrieve the packet, which was still far away, but definitely reachable.